The Life List

A letter to my grandson, on the advent of his twenty-first birthday.

I firmly believe that we are put on this Earth to become the best version of ourselves that we can. To do anything else is to waste our one, precious, beautiful life. In my many years, I’ve learned a few things about that. Here they are:

· Everything is a choice: what you say, what you do, how you react to things. Everything. Choose wisely and with nothing but love in your heart.

· Be kind. No matter what, and to everyone. I’ve found that 1) It’s much easier to be kind than unkind. 2) It makes you feel wonderful. 3) It makes others feel wonderful. So…why not?

· Be honest.

· Dream, and devote your life to the pursuit of those dreams, but make very sure that those dreams are pure.

· People matter. Not lots of money, not a prestigious job, not status.

· Smile and laugh. With abandon and often. And it’s most important to smile when it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

· Always, always treat others – all others - the way you would like to be treated.

· Be of service. Be generous with your time and talents without ever asking for or expecting anything in return.

· Be respectful.

· Honor your body and take good care of it. It’s the only one you have.

· Be grateful. Gratitude is way more powerful than you realize.

· Travel, and when you travel, take the “road less taken”.

· Take responsibility seriously and welcome it.

· Be a good steward.

· Always use your best manners. They are one of the cornerstones of a civilized society.

To elaborate…

· Everything is a choice: what you say, what you do, how you react to things. EVERYTHING.

You choose your emotions and your reactions. It is a conscious decision. Every time, without fail. If you don’t think you choose, then you allow yourself to be a victim, not an active participant in your own life. Choose to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Live in the moment. Be conscious, not reactive.

· Be kind. No matter what, and to everyone. I’ve found that 1) It’s much easier to be kind than unkind. 2) It makes you feel wonderful. 3) It makes others feel wonderful. So…why not?

Unkindness is one of the most destructive behaviors. It decimates the recipient. It hurts deeply and is not forgotten. Everyone experiences pain, disappointment, and criticism – just make very sure that you’re not the person doling it out. Be the person to ease the wounds.

· Be honest.

Being honest is not just telling the truth, it’s also always honoring promises and commitments that you make. And, it’s being transparent. For example, don’t ever fall into “Don’t tell anyone he said this, but…” or “We’ll do it, but don’t tell Jane” – that’s just plain destructive all around. There is, however, no need for brutal honesty – make it gentle. People’s hearts are fragile.

· Dream and devote your life to the pursuit of those dreams, but make very sure that those dreams are pure.

Robert Schuller’s question, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” can lead to eye-opening self-revelation. What would you do? Goethe wrote, “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.” And, to overburden this section with quotes, my favorite from Eleanor Roosevelt: “You must do that thing you think you cannot do.” Absolutely, and do it with passion, determination, and self-discipline. I’ve done things that I thought I could never do – over and over again – and those things have enriched my life and given me opportunities for intellectual and emotional growth that have made my life wonderful and full.

· People matter. Not lots of money, not a prestigious job, not status.

My mother used to say, “It’s just a thing. Things don’t matter; people do.” She was right. A job is important – it provides professional growth and satisfaction, as well as a paycheck. This paycheck gives us the money to buy a house, a car, food, and pay our bills (always on time, please). Status? Status is empty; it means absolutely nothing. Status is superficiality and nothing more – avoid it like the plague as well as the shallow people who worship it. Be and stay humble.

· Smile and laugh. With abandon and often. And it’s most important to smile when it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

As long as I’m on the family wisdom track, my grandmother often said to me, “When you’re sad or angry, go do something nice for someone, make someone smile.” It works. Always. When your life feels like it’s in the tank, find something to laugh about, make dinner for someone who’s having a tough time, tell a knock-knock joke, shovel someone’s driveway, or clean the house. And smile, easily and often. It opens up your heart like nothing else.

· Always, always treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Ah, the old Golden Rule, and it’s golden for a reason. Never criticize unless input is requested, and then do it ever so gently. Don’t demean, don’t ever raise a hand in anger to anyone or anything, never be cruel. Remember that a raised voice is frightening and cannot be heard with the mind – just the heart that it hurts. Make your words gentle, caring, loving, respectful, and kind. Harsh words wound deeply and are not forgotten. They create distance and distrust. They engender defensiveness. They destroy relationships. I know this to be irrevocably true.

· Be of service. Be generous with your time and talents without ever asking for or expecting anything in return.

Donate to worthy charities every chance you get. Pick two or three and give every extra penny that you have. Serve on boards, volunteer for an organization that’s close to your heart, give! Give whatever you can, in any way that you can, as often as you can. ANONOMOUSLY, if it’s a monetary gift. What you’ll get back is immeasurable.

· Be respectful.

To everyone. Always.

· Honor your body and take good care of it. It’s the only one you have.

Keep your weight within a reasonable range. Exercise in some way every day – go for a walk, play with a child, hike when it’s not tick season (or cover up), do anything that’s fun and that keeps your body working well. Eat lots of fruit and veggies, some protein, few carbs, lots of water. Never drink another soda. Treat yourself to something special every week. Spoiler: Refined sugar is poison.

· Be grateful. It’s more powerful than you realize.

Several times a day, starting with the first minutes of my day, I think of a bunch of things that I’m grateful for and say a “Thank You” to God. In this, I never ask for anything; I just always remember to express my gratitude for what I’ve been given and say a thank you (three times for each thing, actually).

Some years may be very tight financially, yet every time I’ve gotten to the point of only a few dollars left in the checking account, something (work, a birthday check, for instance) would bring in a few dollars, enough to ease the crunch. Every. Single. Time. I absolutely believe that this is because my gratitude was genuine and heard, and because supplication was never a part of my prayers.

· Travel, and when you travel, take the “road less taken”.

Eschew group tours for a rental car and back roads, small local restaurants, B&Bs instead of glitzy hotels. Learn a bit of another language. Meet and talk with people from other countries. Live in another country! Travel keeps your world in perspective, keeps you curious and learning, and, as a guest in another country, humble. Our world becomes narrow and stifling if we don’t travel. There’s so much to see, experience, and enjoy – DO IT!

· Take responsibility seriously and welcome it.

This is a pretty broad topic, so I’ll touch on only three responsibilities: children, money, and reliability, as they were always the biggies for me.

Children are an awesome, happy, frustrating, hilarious, exhausting, magical responsibility. When you decide to have a child, you assume the responsibility of shaping another human being. It is entirely up to you to model the kind of behavior you’d like to see exhibited in your progeny. If you’re kind and gentle, generous and loving – your child will be, too. If you’re judgmental and mean, your child will be, too. If you treat your child with respect, he’ll learn to treat others with respect. This is obvious, I know, clearly evident in any parent’s interaction with his or her child – but it still bears writing down. It is critical that, to raise decent human beings, we ourselves must be decent human beings. Love them. Tell them they’re terrific. Watch them sleep, let them lick the beaters, and count your blessings.

Money is a commodity. Period. It will only define you if your priorities are screwed up. It is a tool that pays for goods and services, that’s all. That being said, you need to make enough to pay your own way and have – always, always have – four to six months’ worth of living expenses in liquid savings, have a retirement account, and adequate life insurance. Fund these assets, pay for them on time, and never use them for anything but their original intent. Pay your bills on time. Do not ever confuse money with status. To me, people who have earned admiration (and are happiest) are those who dedicate their lives to the betterment of their fellow man and back up that dedication with self-discipline and commitment, people who are unfailingly kind and humble, people who give. Whether they have lots of money or none makes no difference. I’ve known princes without two cents to rub together and absolute idiots with millions in the bank. Don’t let money become an idol; character and heart mean so much more.

Always be reliable. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time, be there on time. Do not miss work unless you’re on your deathbed (or infectious) or a child is so ill that no one else can care for him/her. You are relied upon by colleagues, clients, students, employers, friends, family, etc. to be there. Honor that. No matter what!

· Be a good steward.

I’ve said above that things aren’t important, and in the grand scheme of things, they aren’t. However, there are those things that represent a substantial investment or a history. Some depreciate; some appreciate, but they all need to be cared for in order to continue to be of use or to be preserved as an asset. Homes need to be kept in good repair at all times. This is not just an aesthetic thing – it’s for safety and to protect a valuable asset. Keep it clean, treat it gently, upgrade it when that’s necessary. Cars absolutely have to be kept in good repair – that IS a serious safety issue. Your lives depend upon it.

In our family, we’re fortunate to have some beautiful antiques that have been with us for three or four generations. We are stewards of these treasures, and that carries with it some responsibility. Older objects must be protected and cared for so we can continue to hand them down in good repair. Antique furniture must be handled gently, dusted, and polished. Silver has to be kept polished all the time. If it’s put away, it needs to be in a special silver polish-infused bag. China needs to be handled gently. Delicate old fabrics need to be kept clean and stored wrapped in acid-free paper out of the sunlight. These objects are irreplaceable! They all have stories and have done a lot more living than we have. And I believe they should continue to be handed down, along with the stories that go with them.

For heaven’s sake, take good care of these treasures!

· Always use your best manners.

Good manners show respect for others. Table manners show respect for the cook and the work that went into your meal, as well as respect for your fellow diners. Thank you notes are not optional – they show the gift giver that you appreciate and acknowledge the thought and expense that went into your gift. Be on time! Lateness is not only lazy, but ego-centric in the extreme and one of the highest forms of disrespect that I can think of. It is abhorrent. Pick up after yourself (i.e., put your dishes in the dishwasher, clothes off the floor, and stored or laundered) – if you live in a house, you have a responsibility to help take care of it. Fix things that break, run the vacuum cleaner, pick up toys, eliminate clutter, clean the bathrooms – everyone. Help others every chance you get. This should not have to be written, but in my lifetime, I’ve seen a shift away from basic good manners that goes hand-in-hand with a breakdown in civility across the board in our country. People, sadly, don’t seem to value one another anymore.

There you have it – seven plus decades of sorting through baloney, making mistakes and some really questionable decisions, as well as happiness and successes that have made my heart soar. I am a well-intentioned but imperfect being. We all are.

Take my words to heart, as you stand on the threshold of adulthood. They’ll give you a road map for as happy and successful a life as possible, and you’re just beginning! How I wish someone had said these things to me when I was young – it would have saved an ocean of heartbreak, disappointment, and failure.

Spread love.